the hard part is remembering how...

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Tuesday, 30 November 2010

  • I just went and saw the new harry potter movie.  I did fine through the whole thing, even the dark parts, until hermione was pinned down on the floor screaming in terror near the end.  For a brief moment i saw me in her eyes and bits and pieces of my past came flying back at me.  I felt like i was going to be sick and almost left the theater.  I didn't realize i was crying until a few minutes later.  I know it all sounds stupid... believe me.... I can't get it all out of my head.... and no.  trust me.  you really don't want to know.  No one wants to know.  I really don't want to go to sleep right now... even though I have school early in the morning.  Gonna go see Tangled at 10:20 in an effort to lighten the mood before trying to sleep.  "Soap will never scrub away the memories...the memories..."

    God help me....

Sunday, 31 October 2010

  • Unhappy Halloween

    My husband has been gone for only a couple weeks for his current military training this time around, and everything seems to be falling apart on my shoulders.  His unit won't be paying him until the end of the months, which leaves me in a horrible situation with the finances.  I'll have to take everything out of the savings in order to scrape by paying the bills this month... nursing school just got a lot worse, we're up to six chapters a week plus a research paper and the clinical paperwork each week also.  Working full time on top of school is wearing me down pretty thin, but I'm still alive so it can't be that bad.  In other news my blood count continues to drop but it isn't low enough to warrant a transfusion yet, so we'll see what happens with that.  but feeling weak and dizzy all the time with this hectic schedule is less than ideal.... the nightmares are back and getting a lot worse, maybe because there's no one to wake me up from them, but I'm getting used to them again so it isn't too bad.  Though I wish I could get a little more sleep.... I know I need it.  But on a up note I remembered to eat twice today so there's something.  I think the worst part of my day is that after talking to my husband for about fifteen minutes I had a complete breakdown, I haven't cried for a long time, and I didn't like it.  Always makes me feel pathetic.  Then when he called back a little later I was distant and quiet because I was afraid I'd start crying on the phone and make him have to deal with more than he already is over there.  He's got enough to worry about.  I just feel bad that he probably thinks I'm being cold and distant from him because of this financial stuff and he thinks I'm upset about it and taking it out on him since he's the one not getting paid or something..... I just don't want to drag all of my own problems into all of the stuff he's already trying to figure out... so.... today sucked.....epic fail

    .................Unhappy Halloween....

    Also, I didn't get to watch the nightmare before christmas today while drinking apple cider....

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Wednesday, 08 September 2010

  • The alarm went off this morning at 0630, but instead of rolling over in bed and hiding under my pillow dreading the day, I turned it off and got up without feeling the least bit sleepy.  I started the coffee, threw a baggy sweatshirt over my pajamas and went to take the dog for a walk.  I walked outside to a clouded gray foggy sky and a drizzle of rain misting down.  I made the walk last about ten times longer than it should have.  Once I got inside I found that Tomas had gotten up and had made breakfast already, I must have been gone a while.  Noticing how late I was starting to run I shoveled down breakfast and drank my coffee, then realized I still had ten minutes left.  I got dressed and got ready for school which singing to the radio and spinning around in circles.  Driving to school I put the windows down and breathed in the rain and the sky, and I felt alive again.  I'm not sure how I got into the rut I have been in for the past couple of months, but I'm just glad that it's over and I'm back to being me again.  Bring on the pouring rain to wash away all that I shouldn't be.  I don't think I'll be able to concentrate today in class, I keep staring out the window longing to run outside, jump in puddles and play in the rain ^.^

Wednesday, 01 September 2010

  • There was a silver link that must have broken off of a chain in the floor in the hallway of my school building.... it was so shiny and looked so lonely... I just couldn't leave it there.... so I adopted it and put it in my pocket to play with later during class...

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